I’ve engaged in some thoughts and behaviors that my eating disorder tells me I should be ashamed of and correct immediately. They’re things that I’m not proud of but at the same time … I don’t think they’re as horrible as I feel compelled to believe. I haven’t even admitted these to my therapist or nutritionist. I want to get them out here so I can start to let go of the guilt.
There are times when …
◇ I’m at peace with my body and weight.
◇ I feel beautiful.
◇ the amount of effort it would take to restrict doesn’t feel worth it.
◇ I look forward to my next meal.
◇ I don’t care what others think of my food choices.
◇ I opt to not go to the gym.
◇ I knowingly eat over my meal plan … because I’m hungry or because something sounds good.
These secrets have a dual effect on me. Part of me knows they’re a sign of true recovery, which gives me hope. The other part of me fears they make me a bad person because I know I wouldn’t be diagnosed with anorexia today if I walked into a physician’s office. That’s a lot of why I haven’t admitted any of these to my treatment team – I worry they’d laugh at me and wonder why I am convinced I have an eating disorder.
For so long, so much of my identity was dependent on being anorexic. It was the one thing I knew I could accomplish, and was thereby my sole source of pride. I liked that people would jealously refer to me as thin and I found purpose in reaching new weight and fitness goals.
But now, my grip on those things has loosened and part of me is glad for it. It’s the same part of me that feels grateful to be alive and knows how fortunate I am to have all the blessings I do. That part tells me I’m happier now than I was back then even though I’m wearing larger sizes.
In fact,
◇ I am happy
all lose, whole find 